Its hard to make children do whats good for them when theyve got other ideas. Author and psychotherapist Gael Lindenfield shows how pressing the right buttons can make a lasting contribution to your childs wellbeing.
Being a smooth motivator
Physical force or threats may make children do as theyre told in the short term but their compliance will last only as long as the threat is relevant. Then they will go back to doing what they wanted to do in the first place.
The parental approval ploy -- Mummy will be so pleased or Daddy would be so proud of you -- may have limited success when theyre small but it wont work on teenagers, whose strongest motivation is parental disapproval. This sort of eager-to-please passivity is not likely to impress a future boss looking for a go-getter.
However, there are ways to build and boost their self-motivation in a way that will be as beneficial to you as to them. Here are some tips on how to help your children want to do what they need to do:
當孩子思想不通時，很難使他們做對他們自己有益的事。作家兼心理治療學家蓋爾·林登費爾德向你揭示了下列可能對你的孩子的健康成長具有持久影響的正確方法。
強制或威脅也許能使孩子暫時惟命是從，但也僅僅限于威脅起作用的時候。過后，他們又回到原來想做的事上去。
父母采用贊許的辦法--如：“媽媽會非常高興”或“爸爸會為你感到自豪”--在孩子很小時有時也許能奏效，但對十幾歲的少年卻不起作用，這個年齡段的孩子做事總是與父母的意見相悖。這種對“急欲取悅別人”的否定心態將來找工作可就難了，它不可能給老板留下好印象，因為他要的是富有事業心的人。
然而，有一些辦法可以發展和促進孩子的自我激勵意識，它對父母和孩子都有益。以下即是如何幫助你的孩子主動做他們應該做的事的訣竅：
☆ Constantly remind them they deserve success - self-esteem is at the heart of self-motivation but remember, your love is not enough. They have to act in a loving way towards themselves so make them aware of behaviour and habits that are self-destructive and self-sabotaging.
☆ Fire up their curiosity and excitement about life by extending their horizons -- take them on adventures to new places and ensure they meet as many different kinds of people as possible to broaden their outlook.
☆經常提醒他們會取得成功--自尊是自我激勵的核心，但要記住僅有你的愛是不夠的。他們必須自愛，因此，要使他們認識哪些行為和習慣對自己有害，會造成對己不利的影響。
☆擴大他們的視野以激發他們對生活的好奇心和興奮點--帶他們去異國他鄉、奇風異俗的地方，盡量接觸各色人等，以此擴大他們的視野。
☆ Encourage them to pursue realistic dreams -- and make sure these are kept alive and believable. For example, get books or videos or cut out articles about people doing what they want to do, or find a way for them to meet them or write to them. Most successful adults will willingly make time to inspire children who want to be like them.
☆ Use pull not push to help them make hard choices and dont let your own fear of the unknown dictate what your children should or shouldnt do. Help them to find out what they really want and what is most likely to work by teaching them decision-making techniques. You cant make all their decisions for them and although you dont always approve or agree with what they want to do, you must be prepared to stand by them and offer support.
☆鼓勵他們追求可成為現實的夢想--確保這些夢想能夠繼續和可信。比如，為他們購買關于那些能做自己想做的事的人的書籍、錄像或剪報，或為他們想辦法與這些人見面或給他們寫信。多數功成名就的人都愿花時間激勵崇拜他們的孩子。
☆使用拉而不推的方法幫助他們做艱難的決擇，不要因為擔心自己不了解就決定孩子該做什么和不該做什么。教他們做決定的技巧，以此來幫他們認識自己真正想做什么和做什么最有效。你不能一切決定都代他做，盡管你對他們想做的事并非全都贊成或同意，但你必須與他們站在一起并支持他們。